vmae:

How NOT to talk to transguys: some nuances

Most of you on here are well-meaning, and most of you on here are young. So I’m not mad at y'all. But there’s some things that really grate on me as a transguy (and that my peers have similarly complained about) that I’d like you to know and keep in mind.

1. Yes, we’re going through puberty like a teenage boy would. But most of us are not 12 years old. There seems to be a weird way most of yall immediately go to “friendly aunt congratulating her middle school nephew on being a big boy now” mode. It’s hard to phrase exactly what this means but. Like. Most of us are grownass men. Keep that in mind.

2. Cut it the fuck out with the infantilization. This is the biggest complaint I hear. Sure there some tumblr kids on here who love to have the “owo soft boi” aesthetic, but that is NOT everyone. There seems to be this effort to take transmen and put them in this box of “small, non-threatening, non-masculine off brand man.” And it makes people so dysphoric and pissed off. One of my transguy friends is full rough and tough masc and bearded and cis-passing. Don’t use softboi language around him. My aesthetic is androgynous but gothic or new wave, often with bdsm elements. Don’t you dare call me cute or other softboi terms as your go-to. One of my friends is a 17 year old, young looking, not-on-t transguy. Don’t use soft, feminine, cutesy language for him either! It’s fucked up!

Imagine going up to like a 35 year old businessman and going “owo!!! ur so cute today. Is somebody a soft precious space prince??? So soft and good!!!”. You wouldn’t fucking do that would you. No. It’s infantilizing, patronizing, and gross. Like are you talking to a puppy?? No! Stop!

Again, there are people out there that DO like that aesthetic, but it’s not the default. This is the same thing as the issue with going up to transwomen and using agressive, masculine-coded things like “wow so strong and tough please step on me!!!”.

This is very prominent on tumblr. I’m not mad at you. But please just know that this ain’t it fam.

3- The “handsome” thing. I feel bad about this one because it’s a reflection of people trying thier hardest to be validating and gender-affirming. I’d rather be called handsome than cute. But it’s still not quite it. So many times when a transman posts any selfie people just spam the comments with “HANDSOME!” and that’s it. It’s like saying “generic compliment! but I’m woke!”. Think about a cis guy. Go to a cis guy’s instagram. Is every single comment just someone saying “U R HANDSOME” and nothing else? No! It’s not! You can use words and sentences and make actual comments besides just spamming the “I’m a good ally aren’t I????” button. Handsome as a word also isn’t used that much in normal interactions. A guy in a suit? Handsome. A guy surfing? That’s not what the word handsome means. Use the word by all means. But dont have it be the only way you talk to transmen. Treat us like you’d treat your cis man friends on this one.

3- Trans people, under the whole trans umbrella of ftm mtf nb etc, have a lot in common and a lot of shared experiences. However, we are not the same. Cis people forget this sometimes. Advice or compliments you’d give to a transwoman do not always transfer to things you’d give to a trans guy. Keep their gender in mind, not just the fact that the word “trans” is there. It can be very dysphoria inducing.

4- This one goes for all trans people actually. Don’t out us. Go “this is my friend, Michael” not “this is my T R A N S FRIEND, Michael.” Even if it’s in an LGBT space. Let us tell people our identities on our own terms. Also being trans is not our defining feature. You wouldn’t go “this is my autistic friend” or “this is my green-eyed friend” out of nowhere right? That’s just weird? There are exceptions to this but mainly just like, if you are trans and your friend is trans and you’ve added them to a trans groupchat on discord and say “oh, this is Celine, she’s nb” or something. Sometimes that’s ok. But by default. Don’t just tell people’s identities as their introduction.

5- Don’t act like we’re a literal baby. First beard hair, first voice crack, etc are exciting things. Doesn’t give you an excuse to go all “OWO!!! BIG BOY NOW!!! IS SOMEBODY GROWING HAAAAIR? IS SOMEBODY BEING A BIG BOY?” mode. Knock that shit off. You can be enthusiastic without being weirdly patronizing.

Edit: my tone in this post is frustrated. I am frustrated. But also, I’m not mad at you. You are all well meaning and not intentionally hurtful. But these are things you need to read and think about, and not scroll past going “well I’m a GOOD ally I would NEVER” because actually a lot of you DO do these things, subconsciously. It’s okay. But you can learn to not.